It has been a long time blogging.
Last weekend my grandmother past away. It was good to see family that I have not seen in many years. Some family I met for the first time, even though they are more distantly related. I was glad to see the other side of my family, and seeing many people taller than myself :)
I also saw my dad's belief show when he referred to my grandmother as sleeping. I also learned that my dad did not actually grow up with a father, seeing that he passed away very early. My grandmother raised four boys herself... something I never considered, and for which I never gave her recognition for.
I am still applying for work in the Cape. It has been slow, but I'm keeping at it. Somehow I can not let go of the hope that I have within me, that is somehow tied with the people that I have heard about in the Cape. Yes, maybe it may be for a later time - hopefully next year.
My life now is not bad at all. There is very little that I can complain about, and much I am thankful for. God is still working in me, and on me. Mainly I have seen things are much slower than I thought they were. Also, God has His fair part to play in life. Some things just can't happen by our own trying. Some things need to come from Him, and Him alone.
Looking at this, I see how much God has actually worked and been in my life, without me knowing it. I first thought my life was simpler, and more fruitful (which is true), but mainly it was more filled with God. In the past I lived from the overflow of God's work in my life, and I did so unashamedly, even when I was in error. Passion had the better of me, and I lived from it.
Now, I live half from God, and always in view of other people. I have placed more value on not making mistakes, because of the hurt it caused those around me in the past. Thus I withdraw myself from expression. A safe and cautious life, predictable and monotonous, a disconnection from reality.
I sometime experience Bethel relapses :) My heart sometimes wants to be back at Bethel. In those moments I can vividly imagine standing in front of the Hebrews coffee shop, waiting in the line, or looking at books in the Eagle's nest bookshop. And then I remember random moments of me in Redding with people... as clear as if it just happened.
Today I had one of those moments. But in worship this morning